Staplegun

I live in Staplegun.  Not Stapleton.  Annie get your gun.  Emily get your Post.  Missy get your Manners.  Letitia don't balk.  (Sorry, can't do much with "Baldridge" and who the heck would know that reference where I live, that being Staplegun?)

Let me recap.

I don't have neighbors.  I have angry mobs.

Doorbell rings.

Me: hello?

Guy at door: YOU HAVA PROBLEM WITH MY BASKETBALL HOOP?

Me: what?

Guy at door: DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY BASKETBALL HOOP?

Me: what?

Guy at door: People said either you or your realtor called about my basketball hoop!!

Me: I didn't call [very matter of fact tone]

Guy at door:  You have a problem?  You have a problem with my hoop?

Me: No.  Where do you live?

Guy at door:  [thumbs North of my house].  Well, then I'm calling your realtor.

Me:  He used to live in [Staplegun].  He's a nice guy.  He didn't call.

Guy at door:  People TOLD me either YOU or YOUR REALTOR called!!

Me:  I didn't call.  He didn't call.  I'm telling you it's not true.

Guy at door: [quiet]

Me: What's your name?

Guy at door: I'm not TELLING!

Me: Well, where do you live?

Guy at door: I'm not TELLING!

Me: Well, I'm Melissa Kelley, I live here, and I don't have a problem with your basketball hoop.

Guy at door is no longer at door and now leaving my porch and on the sidewalk:  I am not TELLING you!

So, I have a couple suggested readings for my neighbors:

And this:

And here is the first in a flash card set I'm thinking of making and handing out:

But then again, I'm beginning to think any of this might be akin to:

So I give up.  I am not going to buy a handgun.